


[Antartique University Newsletter]

by blueism



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Clay | Dream & Technoblade Friendship (Video Blogging RPF), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Newspapers, POV Outsider, Satire, format, ig, youll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:55:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29547558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueism/pseuds/blueism
Summary: Crack, but make it written nicer (?).POV is compiled through newspapers.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Wilbur Soot, No Romantic Relationship(s), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	[Antartique University Newsletter]

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [In which I write ideas down and do nothing about them](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29122530) by [KnightOfLoyalty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightOfLoyalty/pseuds/KnightOfLoyalty). 



> Different from the prompt, but take it lmao

Antartique University Newsletter

Monday the 13th, September, XX19

The Onion Reports  
A ghostly apparition of a ‘Pig Man’ reported on site.

An anonymous tipper told the Newsletter that while going about their business on perfectly normal hours (namely two to three AM), mind you, that they reportedly spotted a figure, around 6”3, wearing a pig mask and a crown. They, of course, were scared out of their minds, telling us, “I almost sh** my pants at the sight of him.” We tried to get further comment from the tipper to make sure that it is in fact a true story, and not a random story scrounged up from nowhere. This wouldn’t have made the cut in any other newspaper, but here is your daily dose of crap from your resident satire provider, the Onion. 

\----

Antartique University Newsletter

Monday the 20th, September, XX19

The Onion Reports  
Three anonymous individuals reportedly lit a tree, dubbed the ‘Holy Tree’ afire.

In the wee hours of the morning, there was a crime of arson committed by an eyewitness. He reported seeing a white mask on a man with a ‘blindingly neon’ green hoodie. (Note: our resident fashion expert says to that report, “What on god’s green earth gives anyone the right to wear a neon green sweater?”) Adding onto the previous statement, they reported a man with white ‘clout’ goggles perched atop his head and another man with a white bandana wrapped around his forehead. White seems to be a running theme in the trio, apparently. The Onion has no smart remarks this week, farewell. (But, the editor remarked that “This time, they have evidence, namely the stump that was once worshipped almost religiously,” to which the writer responded, “It only takes three people to start a religion. Google says so.”)

\----

Antartique University Newsletter

Monday the 27th, September, XX19

The Onion Reports  
The green-clad man apparently pranced around on the roof at 3 AM, according to an eyewitness.

Noticeably similar to the description of one of last week’s supposed perpetrators, today another anonymous tipper reported that he heard footsteps above him and also stated that he was terrified that all those true crime documentaries finally made him go insane, but when his door got knocked on by his neighbor (they note that they definitely did not scream like a girl), and he opened it to a very disgruntled- and scared- person, he knew in that very moment, that he was not alone. The police were called to the scene of the crime, and they described the man like a ‘dream’, due to how he was there one second and seemingly ‘poofed’ the next. (To that, our resident fashion expert declares that they are now the resident fashion expert _and_ the resident English expert, and also insists that the policeman who said those words must be fired for having a crass vocabulary.) Anyhow, students had taken to calling the masked man Dream. (In response, our editor says that the perpetrator does not deserve that name until they take the mask off and can make the editor faint with ‘handsomeness’. Fashion expert bashed them over the head with a rolled-up newsletter in response to that word, which she declared as 'disgusting'.)

\----

Antartique University Newsletter

Monday the 4th, October, XX19

The Onion Reports  
The Onion was called and got serenaded by a man who promised to bash us over the head with a guitar if not reported. 

Early in the morning, a very disgruntled fashion expert got called promptly and began to get serenaded by someone who they note was not seeming to be in the right state of mind. (Then again, is anybody really?) The caller sang a song that was reportedly about ‘e girls and then began breaking out into sobs of how they are so depressed. The Onion would like to note that it is apparently being used as a therapist as of right now. Then, the caller proceeded to seemingly get over his mental crisis from a few seconds prior, and began to make what was supposed to be a threat, but was downplayed by the pauses that he took in order to sniffle slightly. The Onion, of course, is not one to break promises, so after our fashion expert accepted his generous offer, we, of course, were obligated to write this entry. Please note that while we will keep our word, we would very much enjoy not to be ear-raped in the morning, as some of us do not want an extra five cups of coffee along with our daily twelve cups. 

\----

Antartique University Newsletter

Monday the 11th, October, XX19

The Onion Reports  
More ruckus caused by ‘Dream’ and the ‘Pig Man’ from the first entry.

Early in the morning, (seriously, what is up with this school of insomniacs?) we once again got called and got told by an anonymous tipper (again, what is up with all these anonymous identities?) that they once again heard sounds coming from the ceiling, and ran over (in what editor may add, a romantic setting) to the true-crime binger’s dorm promptly. They, in another fit of panic, screeched once in a loud war cry that apparently woke up a man sleeping a mile away, and called the police. Unfortunately, they only got the address out before their vocal cords failed on them from their previous loud screech. Might we add, their ears rang afterward too. In any case, the police arrived and saw the green-clad man and a pig-mask-wearing figure hopping gleefully like children upon the school roof. The police flashed their flashlights at the duo, who then proceeded to parkour around them until the policemen were simply too dizzy. One of the officers gave a statement, saying that they heard a cry of, “WE ARE TRACEURS NOW!” coming from what appeared to be the pig-mask-wearing fellow, and “HELL YEAH TECHNOBLADE!” from the green-wearing fella. The Onion’s fashion adviser says that pig masks are out this season by the way. Just in case, you know, you didn’t know that by now.

\----

Antartique University Newsletter

Monday the 18th, October, XX19

The Onion Reports  
A group of seven gathers outside the dorms ‘suspiciously’ and then proceeds to scale the building in what appears to be a competition. 

Another tipper told the Onion tonight that they saw a gathering with four familiar figures, and three unfamiliar figures ‘illuminated only by the lights from the uh- streetlights’. Our resident expert in multi-tasking says that the sentence was worded by a budding modern Shakespeare. The tipper adds that they just mingled for a bit, chatting. The tipper, of course, was an Onion fan (because we are America’s best college newsletter, anyone who dares say otherwise is utterly retarded) and said that they knew the figures from previous installments. They say that there was ‘Dream, ‘Technoblade’, and the two others mentioned in the Holy Tree arson crime, which investigators have dredged their feet in concrete on. Meanwhile, they watched with horror (we assume, anyhow, and if not, you, my Onion fan, are very bizarre) as the seven mentioned spontaneously moved, each heading to a wall, and on the start of a messily hollered “1, 2, 3!”, they began to climb. The fan continued to watch as they ascended, too spellbound by the strange sight that blessed their eyes to bother calling the police for what would surely be an illegal crime. They also reported getting nicknames for the four. The clout goggles-wearing person is reported to go by ‘GeorgeNotFound’, and the headband boy is nicknamed ‘Sapnap’. (Our editor notes that this will inevitably become an urban legend, and the fashion expert here woefully states that the urban legend should remember the ‘honorable contribution’ that the Onion added.) Onion group, out.

\----

Antartique University Newsletter

Monday the 25th, October, XX19

The Onion Reports  
Reports from eyewitnesses flood in, reporting masked man jumped off of the second story for a ‘dare’ before disappearing

Yes, you read the title right. The Onion never click baits. We are here to report that according to multiple sources who are finally not anonymous, that the masked man known as Dream hopped neatly off of the second story at around seven in the morning, cheered on by ‘GeorgeNotFound’, ‘Sapnap’, and ‘Technoblade’. (To us, this is a really bad relationship, but to each their own, mm?) Groggy students did not process what they were seeing, and by the time their slow brains finally caught up with reality, the masked figure and his friends were gone (with the wind). Upon making their way to the landing scene, they found a neatly written note that said, “Sorry, this was for a dare, y’know?” Honestly, we here at the Onion will provide our professional opinion: that man is clinically insane, even more than we are at three typing out these stories in delirium. They are based on facts, don’t fret about it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked pfft-
> 
> Also, donate situations that are funni in comments cause this will actually be a lot of entries fffff


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